.: my story.the aftermath of cancer

Of all the things I have learned, this one is the most difficult of all to discuss. For those who have survived cancer and for those who are left behind when a loved one dies, there are a number of things that must come into focus.

It seems strange to worry about what happens when you survive, and I will not spend a lot of time here, but there are some considerations that will live with and haunt you for the rest of your life.

First, why me? Other people have gotten sick and died. Some were worse off, but a bunch of them were better. Why did I survive? When does the other shoe fall? How long will this “grace period” last? Will my cancer come back and kill me? Or, will it so totally debilitate me that death would be preferable? How do I go back to work? Can I do all the things I did before? Do I even want to do the things I did before or should I be seeking other types of employment, recreation, etc…?

Why did I survive? Well, to be honest, it is part of God’s plan, whether or not you believe in God does not even enter into the picture. Every life has a purpose and surviving cancer is just one of the clarion calls to get your attention. You were spared for a reason. Somewhere, somehow, sometime there will come a point where you will understand. A mystery now? Most probably. Might stay that way for a long time to come. You cannot blame yourself for surviving when others die with similar diseases.

How long will the remission last? Tough question with no pat answer. Statistically speaking, if you make 5 years, you have an 85% chance of making at least 15 years past the point of diagnosis. So, 5 years is the first milestone.

Because there is no real known reason for cancer, it really is impossible to tell if it will return and eventually kill you. No way to know. Even if you are able to put it in suspension with a tumor still present in your body, you could realistically live for years like that. People have made it 20 and even 30 years with full blown metastatic cancer that turned dormant. Just because tumors go away does not mean you are out of the woods and just because the tumors are still present does not mean you will die from cancer. Part of having cancer is learning to cope with it one day at a time. Each and every moment is a gift from God. Give thanks for your life and do something with it now that it has been give back to you.

Worry less about doctor’s reports and learn to appreciate what your body tells you. Have blood tests on a scheduled basis worked out with your doctor and monitor yourself. In between tests, live your life to the fullest. Every day is new and wonderful. Enjoy the beauty, the time with your family, the time with yourself alone. These are precious moments that many people will never learn to appreciate because they have not come through a life altering experience like you just did.

"Worry about nothing, pray about everything."
Philippians 4:6,7.

So, what can I do? Got me. What do you feel like doing? If you are not physically restricted, do whatever you wish. Do not overstress the system, but do not live in a cloistered environment either. Get out, go to work, go on picnics, to the zoo, spend time with your children, travel. Do all the things you never had time to do before. Do what pleases you and brings you fulfillment. Thank God for the extension on life that you have. It really is a blessing.

As to those who are left behind when a loved one dies from cancer. There are never enough words to replace the anguish of losing your mate, your friend, your child, your parent, your lover. There is a void that can be all encompassing, seemingly without dimension. It tends to swallow you wholly and completely if you allow it to.

Did I do enough? Was it my fault they died? Why didn’t we try one more thing? If only we had found out earlier, things would have been different. How will I get through this? I am desperately alone, lost in a sea of faces. Who can I turn to? Nobody understands how I feel. Why ME? How will the bills get paid? There is no hope, no light left in my life. Will I ever laugh again? Will I ever be whole again?

First off, sometimes there is just nothing that can be done. Not everything is curable; not everything will have a happy ending. It is sad, but true. Nothing you could have done would have made a difference. Whether it was physiology or some other factor, the premature death by cancer was not possible to prevent. You cannot, as a survivor, hold yourself accountable for things outside of your control. That is neither fair nor equitable to you. Beating yourself up because someone died of cancer does them no good. Nor, does it do anything to add days to your life or comfort to the time you are here. There is no reason to believe that your suffering now is justified or necessary.

Regrettably what I have run into during this odyssey are a number cases where cancer has been used as an acceptable form of suicide. There are so many emotions involved with this disease that the mental complexities are often far worse than anything physically that happens. The sad reality is that people just give up. It is not for want of those around them. It is not for want of health. It is not even for want of love. It is simply so overpowering and so overwhelming that there is no mental release, no way out of the maze in their minds. Therefore, the simple solution is to die. It is acceptable because the cancer is a killer and everyone knows it. The result is mind numbing to those left behind.

The great tragedy is that many times there will become a certain serenity about the individual once the decision is made to give up. You will hear the words, “I am fighting for all I am worth.” You will see them do the doctor thing, the vitamin thing, the prayer thing, and to no avail. Yet through it all, there is a resignation in the attitude that lies just below the surface and the surface is calm and peaceful. And you, as the survivor are left to second guess as to what went wrong. Trust me, there is nothing you could have done. You cannot blame yourself; hold yourself accountable; even question why. It was a decision that was beyond your grasp and certainly beyond your comprehension.

This is one of the reasons I put the website together and started devoting time to helping people. I have terminal cancer myself. Frankly, I am fighting for what I am worth. And, I personally have not felt this healthy or good in probably 20 years. But I can very easily see the dark side. There are days that I wonder how easy it would be to just give up. No more wondering where the money will come from. No more dealing with the headaches of home ownership, nasty neighbors, obnoxious people in general. No more general body pain from the 20 odd broken bones accumulated over the years. No more pain from two torn rotator cuffs. And on and on it goes. Yes, I do understand how it can happen.

No one is exempt from those feelings of frustration, fear, pain, loneliness. Back in the section on “Mental Health” I deal with why I believe in God and that all of life has a plan and a purpose. Originally written for those with cancer, it is also a good place to go to understand “why me” of surviving.

I would also recommend you read Beverly’s View as that deals with the emotional aspects of being a spouse to someone with terminal cancer. What I learned from my wife was a great help in our personal relationship. I frankly was wrapped up in surviving cancer. My world has been forever changed because of it. Until she put that page together, I had no idea how much change had come to her life and what an effect my potential death had on her. Sort of took the “me” influence out of my life. Read it please. It will help you to understand that you are not alone in your feelings. I have had many people comment that it is a window into their personal lives.

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:7